Independent

I´m about to turn to a new page of life and it´s not easy. I will finish school in about two months and then I can decide what to do next. 
Since almost two years now I´m thinking about that moment: What to do? Where to go?
And as much as I thought about it I always came to the conclusion that I can´t afford going abroad (what I really would love to do) but I really bad want to study psychology. My family is not as happy about that, some say "OK, when you are really sure about it" some "you should rather earn some money, or study something else..." . But it´s my decision and if it´s possible (my grades are not that good) I will study psychology! 
But I feel like I will be totally alone with that. I have to work everything out on my own. I mean I´m already doing this most of the time, but I´m still scared. I won´t have my friends or people I know around, everything will be new and lonely and different. Of course everyone goes through that and most of the time they work it out and I can do so too, I know, but its scary. 

On the one hand its what I want, on the other its what I´m afraid of the most. 

-> being independent

Doubts

Life is never easy. It is this rollercoster, that can bring you done or bring you up.

Everyone sees life in a different way, and that's why they sometimes don´t understand why you act the way you do. Some people are more open some less. That's what makes it easier/harder to live around them.

You start asking your self: Am I wrong?! Is it really not possible living that way, trying to make the best out of it, follow your dreams? Do people just make you feel bad, want you to change, because they gave up them self/on their dreams?!

There is always this pressure from outside: "that's how it works", "that's how it is suppose to be" but is it really?!

I wanna just be my self but it´s so hard if there are way more people how make you doubt, than people telling you how beautiful you are. 

Everyone is beautiful, but everyone has doubts. And if they same like they don´t, they probably have so much doubts that they are this fake person, that has nothing to do with them self. 

It is that feeling of being alone that makes it so hard. You know your are not, but in some way you are. You can never be sure, there will always be doubts.

Alive?!

Since a couple of weeks I´m back in my old/new/real life.

The days before I got back home I was scared, a lot. Not knowing what will happen and how i will take it, didn´t really make me excited about coming back.

Now, I´m fine; I think... I mean it is good, I feel O.K. with my parents not living together anymore, I´m O.K. with there new boy-/girlfriend (I might not be a big fan of them, but as long as my parents are happy...). 

Well I´m O.K. and my friends, what I would have never imagined like that, are always there for me, I can tell them everything! I should be amazingly happy having them, and I really am!! <3

But still it feels like something is missing...I don´t feel safe...

I know I can count on my friends, but even though there are amazing, they are still "just" my friends. I miss my parents, being my parents. They have so much going on in there life...

As specially my mum doesn´t take the divorce really good...she is still mad/sad/stressed out..and it´s just not easy seeing it. I´m strong enough to handle the situation for my self, but I just don´t feel ready to be there for my mum too...I just miss her being there for me...I don´t know how we will work/life together in the future, I mean we are really different... 

I´m more like my dad, who I really love and I miss having him around, more then I expected, because he is like the only one who gives me that safe feeling, right now.

But hey! Actually I´m good! I´m fine..in a kind of way I´m pretty happy!! but how is it that I still feel so..empty?!

I cried a lot when I was little, but now, I feel so numb...

"Crying doesn´t indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you´re alive!"

That makes me wonder am I still alive?! It sounds silly, but I really just feel so empty.

It probably also matters that I left my (host) family. I got really close to thous people, in the end I spend more then 10 amazing moths with them. I really loved them, and they got a part of me/my family, I just miss them really bad.

Hanging out with me friends a lot, the last couple of weeks, got me distracted but I can´t keep on "going out"/ "running away". At least when summer break, here, starts I will have to help my mum more and study a lot...I just hope I won´t do anything stupid..

 

Be Yourself!

 "Be your own kind of  Beautiful"

Who knows better what I need then myself?! Sometimes, you have to led mind over emotions, and be you own hero...

I know whats right, but do I always want to do whats right?! If I always do whats right, will people recognise me, for that?! I don´t think so, people who make mistakes always get the attention, but is it I "good" attention?! Why do we build everything in Life around what other people think of us?! Shouldn´t it be what we think of our self?! I mean we are the own person we always have to live with...

But the trust, in our own, is missing. if we would trust, wouldn´t we believe that someday we find a right person/ a true friend; so we wouldn´t be alone?! Because isn´t, being alone, the thing we care about / are afraid of the most?! Why else would we care so much what other people think?!

If you would believe in someone (like God) and could be sure someone is always there; would it be easier to trust in yourself, to BE yourself?! 

It is easier to say then actually to be; but sometimes you just have to be your own kind of Beautiful!

 Because:

"When you are truly comfortable in your own skin, not everyone will like you, 

but you won´t care about it one bit!" 

Growing Up

"The hardest part about growing up is

 letting go of what you were used to,

& moving on with something you are not"

I´m used to seeing life as simple. As a kid everything was so easy and you never understood why adults where that complicated.. People kept telling you, "Enjoy being young, as long as possible!" But no one ever said why?! When I grow older, close to being a teenager, people kept saying, "Being a teenager will be so hard", but also none said why?! 

Well, now I know. Life is hard and complicated not simple at all, it´s hard to have to find that out as a teenager. And you would never want a kid to know this...

I´m ok with excepting the fact that it won´t be as easy as it was; But I´m really scared of the fact how hard it´s gonna be, and that you will never know what comes next! 

That´s what i´m not used to; as a kid you know, this year 4th grad next year 5th. As a teenager you can chose "that" or "that" collage or none, well and as an adult you can do everything, even rune your life! You realise that your on your own, with every decision you make, and no one seems to really understand you anymore...

MY BIGGEST FEAR IS GROWING UP!

Ignored

"What is worst then being hated?

Being ignored!

At least when they hate you, they treat you like you exist."

Being ignored is worst feeling ever.

It hurts so bad every time you be ignored. It happened a lot the last couple years, sometimes it might just feel like, but still you always try to act like you don´t care. That the hardest part not caring

I do care, everyone does. No one like that feeling, but still we keep ignoring people our self. We think someone else will care about them; but how can we be so sure?!

I´m afraid people start ignoring me. My parents got both now there own, new exciting life. What will happen if they for get, start ignore me?

My friends will they keep paying attention?! They have there own life too, and right now life starts getting more exciting for them too.

I´m scared that if no one pays attention I´m gonna slip away, like I saw other people do. I always (and still am) was against any kind of drugs or alcohol. But in Germany most (/all) people, my age, drink. One month and I´m legal too, but if I get ignored, will I ignore, out of frustration, my limit?! Will I get into the wrong people, because they don´t ignore me?!

I don´t know, but what I know: I´m strong, stronger then I know. I´m always my self, and like myself the way I am and my friends a good too. 

I´m afraid of the unknown, but maybe I need to just concentrate on what I know!

Friendship

 "Good Friends are like stars, 

you don´t always see them,

 but you know they are always there."   

I feel like the luckiest person on earth to have such good friends! Even though I am miles apart and don´t always have the time to talk to them, they are still there for me!

They listen, believe in me, support me, miss me, send me hand written letters....

My friends are the only thing to give me hold right now. I´m not sure that I would have ever imagine that my friendships are so strong! It showed me, that they realised all the love I gave to them the last years and are more then happy now to give some back to me! It makes me also kind of proud of my self, that I build up so many true friendships the last years. As specially now, needing them and seeing how it is without having them, I really know to appreciate it!

I just love them and I really hope that when I come back, that is the one thing that won´t change, at leased just get better....if that is even possible!